Boundaries

I was talking to a young friend yesterday about relationships. In my position as a college professor, and as an, um, experienced woman who is also a mother and a life coach, I am often asked to share some hard-won wisdom with my friends. The crux of our conversation yesterday was boundaries.

Boundaries are important in any relationship. Boundaries represent the lines each one of us draws to communicate to others what things are acceptable, and what things are not. Mushy or vague boundaries, or the absence of them altogether, spells disaster for any relationship. There are NO relationships where boundaries are unnecessary.

Respecting someone else's boundaries shows care and concern for them.
Disrespecting boundaries, continually crossing the lines that have been drawn, shows contempt and belies any affection or love one might profess.

Relaxing your own boundaries, dropping them completely, or ignoring when they have been crossed takes away your personal power, and leaves you open to being treated in disrespectful fashion by others.

Boundaries can be major: "No drinking alcohol" or minor: "Breaking the spines of our shared paperback books drives me crazy!"

Some examples of boundaries:

• I will not date someone who smokes.
• I'm not picking up after you; you have to keep your own room neat.
• It is not acceptable for you to hit me, EVER.
• It's rude to talk on your cell phone during dinner.
  
• I expect you to call me and let me know if you are going to be late or won't be showing up.
• I don't like it when you call me "monkey-face".

Crossing of boundaries should result in a talking point. That means, if someone has stepped across the boundary you have drawn, you both need to talk about it.

Mistakes happen. In relationships, they usually happen because the parties involved have never discussed that particular situation or established boundaries around that issue. "You never said you had a problem with me watching the Sunday afternoon football game every week, why are you mad at me?" The crossed boundary? Sunday afternoons are together time for us as a couple.

Boundaries represent values and expected behaviors. Most relationships develop in a way that makes a frank discussion of boundaries an artificial occurrence, something that has to be planned and carried out. However, this formal approach is not necessary. It may not occur to you that you have a boundary in a certain area until you see evidence of it being breached. You react by feeling disrespected or by getting angry. That's the time to talk to the offending party and clear the air.

A helpful approach is to say something like "When you didn't call me to tell me you were working late, I felt worried. I would like you to call me whenever you are going to be later than I expect." Notice the colored words. When you structure your conversation as suggested, you keep the focus neutral, neither accusing nor defending. You state the person's behavior that you didn't like, and state how you felt when that happened. Follow that with the behavior you would like to see instead.

The other person may counter that with words that seek to explain the breach and clarify the boundary. "I'm sorry I didn't call. I wasn't aware of time passing and that client meeting was very important. Sometimes when I'm in afternoon meetings they run long and I can't get away to call you. What if I call you as soon as I get out of the meeting to tell you I'm on my way home?"

This opens the door for negotiating the boundary and making it clear to both sides where it is and what it represents. We don't have time to go into the additional meanings behind boundaries and breaches; that may be the subject of a post some other time. But suffice to say that it is fair for each person in a relationship to establish boundaries around things that are important to them.

Too many boundaries, or boundaries you disagree with, indicate potential trouble spots in the relationship and should be given a serious look.

You can make boundaries for yourself as well: I don't shop on Sundays. In this way, they delineate your own behavior, standards and values. The old saying "Good fences make good neighbours" had to do with physical boundaries around property lines and how they contributed to relationships between people living close together. Intangible, behavioural boundaries are just as good for contributing to good interpersonal relationships.

It is said that we teach people how to treat us. One of the ways we do that is by making our boundaries clear to those with whom we interact.

What are your boundaries?